Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize