Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
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I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
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I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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