last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
