hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
