My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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