smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
