I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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