I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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