Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
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So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
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When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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