literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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