Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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