I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
