I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
