Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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