She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
