After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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