We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
