So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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