My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I have demons in me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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