my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
How naked do you want me to be?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
