Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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