I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
