being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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