dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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