Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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