Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The adults are the big ones right?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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