I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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