Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
