Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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