Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
