I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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