i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
