dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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