If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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