If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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