then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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