I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
