I met the friendliest cop last night
Just cropdusted the office
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
