she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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