So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
