Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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