I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
