I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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