yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
