Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
