the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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