i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
