I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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