i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
