i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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