omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
