Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
