Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
