how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
