my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
