Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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